David Caruso, Actorbot

If you have ever been subjected to CSI: Miami, then you probably know just how terrible the show is. I won’t get into everything I find detestable about this show*, or why I have enough experience with it to dislike it with such vigor and specificity, but I will say this: David Caruso has one emotion. That emotion is intensity.

*Which includes an episode warning against the corrupting influences of pornography, while simultaneously attempting to curry sympathy for the girls who star in these flicks (ironically, the men are just objects, I suppose…), who really wish they could be dating crime scene investigators and having malteds.

Dave (I can call him Dave, right?) delivers every self-righteous, aggrandizing line that’s fed to him with the same smarmy superiority that he uses to ask for a lab sample, or announce some real gritty zinger along the lines of: “Got away with the fake IDs, didn’t you? Well how about being arrested for murder.” or: “If I ever see you around that girl/this town/that child/my town/this house again, you’re going to see how hot Miami can really get.” [cut to zippy CSI: Miami cut-to-commercial sting]

It’s hard to articulate just how consistently he delivers every single line, so just hop on over to CBS.com and find out when you can watch David Caruso earn a living as an actor with almost no effort whatsoever.

As an interesting side note, CBS appears to be trying to duplicate CSI: Miami with CSI: NY. I find it interesting that Gary Sinise’s Det. Mac Taylor and Melina Kanakaredes’ Stella Bonasera look so similar to Caruso’s whatever his name is and Sophia Milos’ whatever her name is. How startling that there’s a pattern in TV programming.

The second biggest tragedy is Emily Procter‘s presence on the show. She was so great on The West Wing. So great. It’s not so much her performance as the show’s sullying presence on her resumé that saddens me.

3 replies on “David Caruso, Actorbot”

  1. It really does suck… I don;t know why i keep putting it on. I should do something more constructive with my time, than watching TV.

    Oh wait, I do, I knit. Hmmm. Oh well, I tried.

  2. i know. we all waste our valuable time watching things that neither stimulate us, nor educate us, but give us something to privately (and publicly) complain about… and i say “thank go for shows like CSI: Miami.” here’s why; not only do they defy modern science by solving impossible cases in less than a day, they do it dressed in versace.
    tell me, have you ever seen a lab rat togged to the bricks in fashionable clothing. and since when do csi people make arrests… somewhere, det. sipowicz is crying over in his sausage sandwich. adding david “i’m intense, arrghh” caruso to the mix is what makes it even more deliciously unbelievable.

  3. right on, right on.

    See, Scott gets it… Crap TV for its own sake is a glorious thing. It also holds trmendous power over the American people :) (smirk)

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