AP News Wire: Washington, D.C.
President George Bush issued a statement following the Vice Presidential Debates assuring America that the War on Terror will not interrupt seasonal fesitivites. Amidst growing concerns about Terror, and its role in Horror, the Bush administration has released a statement concerning the specifics of scaring and celebrating.
“Now, I understand that what with the…ah…Halloween holiday coming up…the…ah…American families who enjoy candy and sweets are concerned,” President Bush began at an impromptu news conference on the Hill. “We are committed to fighting terror. In all its forms. But horror is OK. We are not fighting horror. With Halloween…on the way…it’s important to understand that your children may attempt to elicit fright through specific use of ‘horror’. Scares, frights, chills. These are a healthy part of American culture at this time of year.”
Continuing his assurances, Bush reiterated his postion and clarified those activities that may draw attention from the federal government. “Now, what we need to understand here is that horror and Terror are two…different things. Terror causes Fear. And Fear is bad. Fear is how the terrorists will win. Since September 11th has forced us to realize that Terror, and Fear, are the tools of Evil. The…ah…Axis of Evil uses Terror to its great advantage, but we will use Freedom and Democracy to fight the terrorists, but not the horror. Horror is OK.”
“Those who would use Evil and Terror on this holiday are exploiting the…ah…ramifi—…our military will be forced to act preemptively on any children seen to be using terror to force the hand of honest, hard-working American citizens on this holiday, to extract goods outside of accepted…economic controls. The Department of Homeland security has also been alerted about the use of…of Evil to induce Terror and Fear. We will use appropriate measures to…to crush any Terror cells using images of Evil: Kim Jong Il, Satan, or any other depiction of…of Evil to induce Terror.”
“We as Freedom-loving Americans cannot stand idly by and watch Terror take our streets and our homes and our Ju Ju Bees. (extended pause) It is…vital…that every American remain alert and report any suspicious horror activities that appear Terror-ish or Fear-inducing. As such, we are raising the Terror Alert Level to Orange, not only as a precaution, but…but also because it just looks so darn nice with all those pumpkins.”
Bush concluded with admonitions to parents to closely monitor the activities of their children and unmarried neighbors who have adopted children. He took questions from various reporters, reiterating his previous statements on Terror. During the statement, the President was approached by an aide and Bush informed the reporters that the strikes on Disney’s Tower of Terror were an “unqualified success” and emphasized that the people of Florida may now breathe easier, free from the “yoke of Terror”. A correction has yet to be issued on the proper location of the Tower of Terror, which is California.
The Democratic leadership has already dismissed these warnings as indicative of the Bush Administration’s being “beholden to the big soybean and cottonseed oil companies.”