How Can You Possibly Not Be Decided?

Alright, it’s official. I have absolutely no idea how anyone could be undecided at this point in the election. Is it because it’s been made a big important thing, a new demographic of sorts by news media outlets? Perhaps all this talk about the oh-so-important Undecideds is making people feel OK about remaining blissfully ignorant of the candidates’ positions (though I have no idea how you’d do that).

I’m going to make it easy for all of you out there who are on the fence about this issue. Click through to find out how you should vote (because, at this point, you need to be told).

1) If you hold the Christian faith above all other concerns: vote Bush.

2) If you hold the safety of the civilized world above all other concerns: vote Kerry.

3) If you don’t like the idea of a President who is smarter than you: vote Bush.

4) If you believe that the United States benefits from its place as a benevolent benefactor to the world: vote Kerry.

5) If you don’t want to lose your personal weapons cache: vote Bush.

6) If you value freedom, civil liberties, or the rights of humans as fundamentally self-evident: vote Kerry.

7) If you like the appearance of strength, success, and steady leadership, without actually requiring it: vote Bush.

8) If you’re tired of blatant lies and a hidden government: vote Kerry.

So, if you answered yes to any of the odd-numbered questions, you should vote Bush. However, if you answered yes to any of the even-numbered questions, you should vote Kerry. If you answered yes to odd- and even-numbered questions, you should vote Kerry anyway, because he won’t be so eager to have you secretly jailed without a trial, at the very least.

Am I being a bit over-the-top? A bit alarmist? A few months ago, I would’ve said that I am. Now, I believe that seeing it any other way is dangerous and unrealistic.

If you’re registered, you need to vote. This race will be incredibly tight. If you even have an inkling that you don’t like Bush, you need to vote. Want to get a preview of what’s going to happen this November? Read this Atlantic article on Bush’s chief strategist, Karl Rove. It’ll be ugly in a way that’ll give you shivers, and it’ll be another Supreme Court decision. Make sure that the gap is as large as possible, because when Rove starts painting Kerry as a pedophile, or a homosexual, or an anti-American, we’ll need it.

Help your country make sure it elects our president this time. OK, I’ve gotten it out.