Observations at a Burger King

Today, while waiting for my chicken tenders and strawberry shake (more on that in a moment) at a food court Burger King, I noticed a sign that reads: “14 and 15 year olds can only bag fries”.

I immediately imagined the following scenario:

The scene: a Burger King kitchen. A manager is speaking to a new employee, who is 14 years old.

Manager: So, we’ve got some rules here at Burger King…

New Employee: [nods]

M: The first, and I can’t emphasize this enough, and most important— [pauses and peers at NE]—rule is right here. [points to sign] See that?

NE: [eyes widen, nods]

M: It says, “14 and 15 year olds can only bag fries”. Do you know why that is?

NE: Um, no…

M: See that man back there? [points to a man handling a mop with one arm, his dirty jumpsuit’s left sleeve is pinned to the shoulder] He started here back in ’62. Before the Law. The Fry Law.

NE: The fry—

M: He decided he was old enough to bag a cheeseburger. Wasn’t 16. Couldn’t hold it together. Had to give up the arm.

NE: [eyes widen]

M: So! Now we measure you for your uniform!

So, once I got my strawberry shake, the first Burger King shake I’ve had in quite some time, and started to drink it, I noticed something odd about it. It tasted good, and it seemed OK, but there was something not quite right about it. It was as though the texture was shake-like, and the flavor was strawberry-like (and good), and the thickness was decent, but the parts didn’t fit together. The sensation of drinking the Burger King shake was something akin to getting all of the sensations of a shake, but having them held together by their coincidence in time, rather than their coming from something that had all of those properties inherently; as though the taste, texture, thickness, and other attributes were applied. That doesn’t mean I didn’t drink the shake, or like it, but it was an odd sensation, let me tell you.

Thus, I dub it ‘the Burger King Simulation of Shake-Like Sensations, featuring Strawberry Stimuli’. The tenders were pretty good.